There’s an old Azerbaijan saying that goes something like this: “Leaving scissors with opened blades brings misfortune and even death.” Tonight, that will be true for one of you. For the other, there’s a more contemporary saying that comes to mind: “Life’s like a movie. Write your own ending.” This quote is from modern day philosopher—Kermit the Frog.
Before I say anything else, I must first thank the Hosts for putting up with our crazy bullshit, the Cast for putting up with each other’s crazy bullshit, and the Viewing Lounge for thoroughly enjoying all of our crazy bullshit.
We’re all psychos.
When I first arrived in Azerbaijan, I’m not going to lie… I shit myself. I was wearing kaki shorts so it was very obvious. There were brown rings on my butt that look like I sat on a stove element. Running down my leg, could only be described as melted chocolate bars. This distracted Jeff Probst because Jeff, not only despises the site of poop, he surgically removed his butt hole years ago so he would never have to poop again.
Jeff looked at me, with deep concern, his breath dank of fresh throw-up. “Big Poppa Cliffy… We’ve been here for five minutes… Why the Hell did you shit your pants?! Why Cliffy why!!?
If Jeff Probst could cry, he would have cried here, but instead, small droplets of blood trickled down his cheeks.
“Well, Probst.” I said in my Clint Eastwood voice. “Not all of us can afford to surgically remove our own butt holes. Why do you think I’m here Jeff? WHY DO YOU THINK I’M HERE!!!!??? I need that million dollars, Jeff. I need that million dollars so I can surgically remove my own butt hole.”
As I stand here today. I stand here, not a millionaire, but a 5th place loser who continues to shit his pants to this very day.
At this very moment.
Right now.
I am shitting my pants.
It is only appropriate for me to preemptively apologize for any bitterness you may receive from me during this jury speech but as my therapist says it’s cathartic to get it all out.
To get out all the shit.
So let us begin.
Ella. My sloppy Cinderella. Your gameplay was that of a wild garden hose. The tap was turned full-on and the hose slinked and snaked all over the place spewing out as much as it can. You took credit for other people’s moves. You verbally accosted us when you knew we were on our way out. You lied when you didn’t have to. You made others feel low. You played the victim. You had no real loyalty. You were vindictive. You were delusional. And most importantly, and quite sadly, you didn’t gain an ounce of respect from me and many of the other jurors.
It’s easy to gut you. And many of the jurors will. And I’m pretty sure I just did. BUT as you will point out, you and I played very closely together. We shared our personal lives with one another. That is something I value outside of this game but holds zero merit within it. Out of respect for our conversations and our relationship, I’m not going to shred you (any further). I’m not going to pick you apart until there’s no meat left on the bones because the vultures are coming. (Some of them are already here!)
I will however say this. Outside of this game, I have no problem with you, and hope you make something beautiful out of your life. That you can get through rivers of shit and come out clean on the other side. You have the potential to really be a blinding light in the lives of those close to you and can truly make a difference in people if you bring that out of yourself. It was unnerving because I’m a very observant person. And I knew a genuinely, nice and good person, was compromising who she was for the sake of the game. That’s how I won my first ORG. By compromising parts of myself that didn’t need to be compromised. By hurting people who didn’t need to be hurt. I would like to say that when everything was over, the end justified the means but it never did. It left a hole in me for the people I hurt and deceived and that is pain that I have carried forward with me.
Inside of this game you made some serious mistakes. And you hurt people. You hurt me. Gloating on my way out that it was my fault. Saying that I treated you like a dog. I was desperately fighting for my life and the lives of my allies since the first tribal. Austin got to be a jury member thanks to me telling Minke to tie it up at that first tribal.
When you came to me and told me Felix was going to use the idol on Jared. I didn’t believe you. I didn’t believe you because you spent ALL DAY trying to come up with reasons to keep Jared and get Felix to give you the idol and when you said, “If you haven’t voted yet, write down Felix.” The first thought in my head was, “What shit is she trying to pull? Why does she want me to vote out my ally.”
So, an innocent me waltzes up to Felix and I say, man, Ella’s telling me some pretty crazy shit.
While all this is happening, I think FELIX is the vote and I’m doing everything in my power to save my alliance member and say “Ella just vote Jared!” Because I was heated and trying to save my alliance member. But what I was really doing was begging you to protect the man who was betraying me...
And so is the tragedy of Big Poppa Cliffy….
You were telling me the truth.
Felix had stabbed me in the back and sealed my fate.
You were so concerned about your feelings that I demanded to vote Jared, when clearly, I had no idea WHAT THE FUCK was going on.
You said, “Fine Cliff, I’ll write Jared, but know you’re the reason you’re out, not me.”
Actually Ella…you are. You didn’t have to write Jared’s name. You could have said… Cliff… you are clearly not understanding the situation, sit down and let me explain. I was at a show and it was very hard for me to hustle all this while I’m about to perform for 200 people. Zero empathy.
You could have had patience, mercy, understanding…if you really cared about me the way you said you did, like a brother, you would have fought for me. The way I fought for those in this game I swore to. The way I fought for Austin, for Joe, for Felix, for Nifty, for Hunter, for You. But the evil took over. The darkness consumed you and I saw great pleasure from a small, insecure girl who was happy to see me defeated. All because I “treated you like a dog”. No Ella. Dogs are loyal. Dogs are man’s best friend. I treated you the same way desperate men treat anyone...with fear. And with urgency. Because I was afraid and knew I lost control and had to regain it quick or it was all over.
And it was.
In the end, you villainized me. You took to the main chat like you always do and made me out to lower than low.
This is how you made me feel. You have to know that and you have to feel it too.
Now, the important part.
You have my vote.
I’m not voting for who is going to win.Jared is clearly going to win. I am voting for some one who I believe needs redemption in her own life. Someone who is young, and unaware of how she comes off or effects others. It is that Ella, the beautiful, bright, blinding light of an Ella I’m voting for. I’m voting for a bright future and a strong heart. That you would freely forgive others as I have freely forgiven you.
The game is gone now. We lived through it and it was an experienced that changed us all.
Everything is now with the wind and all we have is our tomorrows. Use them wisely.
I’m still going to give you a question. Here’s a moment for you to NOT play the victim and demonstrate some self-awareness. To be raw. To be honest.
Ella, why are you perceived so negatively and what could you have done to change this perception of yourself?
Phew…
Now that that’s out of the way.
Jared. Hey dude!
You and I talked very little game. It was intentional because we were never in a position to compromise what we had for each other so we existed on polar opposite coordinates. Just because your game isn’t my game, doesn’t mean I don’t respect yours.
You were easy pickings. You could have easily been the vote time after time again. This season was full of big players making big moves that it was the smart player making smart moves who took it to the end. I was hoping you would should some mercy to Ella and vote her out instead of Hunter so she wouldn’t be on the receiving end of the vitriol to come. That’s my only qualm about your game.
Your idol protected you from certain death on Baku 3.0. Your white pearl was a wise purchase because it kept reason for people not to vote you until they were fully confident in the loyalty of their numbers. And in a game of transient allegiances, everyone trying to take down the top dogs, a white pearl could be used in a multitude of strategic situations. Therefore, you made yourself valuable.
You were very good when it came to blinding who you had to but socially, for the most part, you kept yourself quiet, waiting to make the right moves at the right time.
This game is clearly yours. So please give the jury members long, insightful answers into who you are, what your game was, and why you deserve the win. Congrats on making this game your game and writing your own ending.
My question for you is this: You’re going to have a lot of players respecting you for reasons of their own but what players this season did you highly respect and why?
Good luck on surgically removing your own butt hole!
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Now. On a personal note. This season for me was the bees knees! I had a great time and came in with the baggage of two previous season wins. To land in 5th place, knowing I had a few crazy superfans out there rooting for me, meant the world.
I will be taking a break from playing these games but that does not mean I don’t want to be a healthy addition to the ORG community.
Starting January, I will be hosting my own side-ORG known as ‘dORGk’. The inspiration for this ORG will be to step away from the typical formats and focus more on the people playing and fleshing out their Survivor story.
I live and die for stories. It’s my life. It’s what I do as a standup comedian and as a husband and a friend. It’s all stories.
I want to know: What’s your story? What’s it going to be? Will you join me in my new adventure to create another ORG we can be proud of that continues to raise the bar on creating the best gaming experience possible?
I hope you do! I am nothing but grateful for my time on Johnny’s Survivor ORG, Big Brother ORG, and Survivor ORG. I look forward to returning as a player and being a part of their future stories one day as well.
That’s my quick plug. Applications for the inaugural season are here: http://dorgk.wikia.com/
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One Final Word.
We play these games to escape who were are and create who we can be. It’s a way of fantasy, of playing pretend, but it’s so real to us. It’s amazing the energy we expel on a game with no prize and this has taught me an important life philosophy. “Life is a game with no prize. So don’t play it hard because you expect to get something at the end. Play it hard because the experience itself is the prize.”
Peace, Love, and Pancakes,
Everyone's Biggest Threat,
Cliffy :)